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WARNING: This article contains material that may be distressing to some readers.

ALMOST one year ago, Jeff managed to escape an abusive relationship with another man.

鈥淚 knew at about six or seven months into [the relationship] that there was something not right,鈥� he said.

鈥淚t started with needing to know where I was, needing to know who I was talking to, needing to know what time I鈥檇 be home, where I was going, if I wasn鈥檛 home, who I was with, just all that.

鈥淚 kind of thought it was just his way of finding out what was going on, like maybe that was just who his personality was.鈥�

Over the course of several years, Jeff鈥檚 partner systematically took away every support in his life not connected to the relationship. Constant monitoring of Jeff鈥檚 movements made it difficult for him to hold down a job. Moving to his partner鈥檚 house in the country 鈥� at his partner鈥檚 insistence 鈥� isolated him physically. Jeff鈥檚 partner began breaking Jeff鈥檚 possessions in fits of rage to the point that Jeff began hiding things at friends鈥� houses. The few things he had left were taken away from him, along with Jeff鈥檚 income.

鈥淚t was always a bill that needed to be paid, or I needed to pay him money to live in his house,鈥� Jeff explained.

鈥淗e would give things away like my fridge and my bed, and it wouldn鈥檛 even be in consultation, it would just be, 鈥業鈥檝e got a friend that needs to use the fridge, so I鈥檝e told them that they can come and pick it up鈥�, and it would be gone before I knew it.鈥�

Eventually, Jeff鈥檚 partner became physically violent.

鈥淗e assaulted me one time I鈥檇 just started a new job. I was two weeks into a new job and I had to go to work with a two black eyes and a swollen face,鈥� Jeff recalled.

When Jeff found the strength to try and get himself out of the relationship, he had nowhere to go and no one to go to. While his friends went in 鈥済uns blazing鈥� to help him on his first few attempts to get out, Jeff said he eventually felt he lost their respect after, again and again, he would go back to his partner.

鈥淚 tried to leave so many times,鈥� Jeff said.

鈥淚鈥檇 be made to feel guilty, to come back, or he鈥檇 promise a world of change and acknowledge all of his behaviours, and then it would never change.

鈥淚t would always just be a shorter amount of time before it would all just start again… to the point that, at the very end, before I left, I didn鈥檛 even bother unpacking my car any more.鈥�

Jeff did everything he could to empower himself to leave, and in a desperate attempt to have someone else involved his partner couldn鈥檛 get to, went to a counsellor, hoping confidentiality would protect him from his partner鈥檚 interference.

And then, one day, Jeff finally left for good.

鈥淚 got to the point where I was so low, I had such low self-esteem, that I thought, you know what, what have I got to lose?鈥� he said.

鈥淲e鈥檇 had an argument, and I just thought, you know what, I鈥檓 done, I鈥檓 out, and I just left and never looked back. I blocked every single number I knew he had. I changed my phone number. I got a new job. I left though with nowhere to go, because I鈥檇 lost so many friends. I was living in my car.

鈥淚鈥檓 still in the process of rebuilding who I am.鈥�

For the first time in recent memory, violence against women, domestic and family violence are receiving national media and political attention. Widespread, public outpourings of grief followed Adrian Bayley鈥檚 murder of Jill Meagher in 2012 and Greg Anderson鈥檚 murder of his son Luke Batty in 2014, drawing attention to a reality many have been living for a long time. Luke鈥檚 mother Rosie Batty was named Australian of the Year this year in recognition of her tireless campaigning against family violence after the murder of her son, and Victoria鈥檚 Royal Commission into Family Violence is due to begin public hearings in July.

Despite this increased attention on domestic and family violence, the overwhelming majority of which is committed by men against women, at present it is impossible to know how common stories like Jeff鈥檚 are. There is very little research on violence in same-sex relationships, though some data suggests LGBTI people are as likely to experience domestic violence as non-LGBTI women. Some LGBTI people are at even greater risk of domestic violence, in particular trans* and intersex people.

鈥淰iolence plays out in particular ways in same-sex relationships,鈥� ACON chief executive Nicolas Parkhill said.

His organisation has been attempting to engage LGBTI communities in conversations about domestic and family violence as part of the LGBTIQ Domestic Violence Interagency since the group鈥檚 founding in 2001. A flagship project of the group is Another Closet 鈥� a website and guide to understanding, identifying and responding to domestic and family violence in these communities.

鈥淭here can be outing, or threatening to out people to family and friends, or to their colleagues, even to the point that people can threaten to out their HIV status… We鈥檝e heard stories about [withholding] medications relating to transgender status,鈥� Parkhill said.

鈥淭hat can be particularly accentuated for people that live in smaller, more close-knit gay communities, particularly in rural and regional areas, or more remote areas.鈥�

Of course, identifying where and how this violence occurs is only part of the challenge. Even the admittedly limited research on the subject indicates LGBTI people are much less likely to report domestic violence or to seek support from mainstream domestic violence services, and when they do, are less likely to find services that cater to them. For example, gay men experiencing relationship violence may struggle to find mainstream crisis accommodation that isn鈥檛 women-only.

Both ACON in Sydney and the Victorian AIDS Council (VAC) in Melbourne run community-focused counselling services capable of referring victims of domestic and family violence to LGBTI-friendly services, but there are virtually no services in Australia catering specifically to LGBTI people.

Parkhill argued there is work to be done in showing mainstream services how to be LGBTI-inclusive. But he also cautioned that it was vital to understand the good reasons why mainstream services are skewed towards women victims of men鈥檚 violence.

鈥淚t鈥檚 important to recognise that it鈥檚 non-LGBTI women who are disproportionately affected by this sort of violence,鈥� he said.

One of the very few specific LGBTI services relating to domestic and family violence in Australia is a men鈥檚 behaviour change program called Revisioning, based out of VAC in Melbourne. While the group is specifically for same-sex attracted men, it is based on similar programs in mainstream services designed to address men鈥檚 violence, particularly violence against women.

Raph was referred to the group through a counsellor he was seeing at VAC, and joined to have a place to talk about his issues with anger.

鈥淚 knew it was an issue, but I didn鈥檛 think it was a priority to sort out. I had my own reasons for feeling the way I did, making excuses for myself, feeling sorry for myself and all that,鈥� he said.

鈥淸I was] someone that was short-tempered, someone that really wasn鈥檛 happy a lot of the time 鈥� I was just having a lot of really bad thoughts go through my head, and sometimes it felt like I was really close to living them out.鈥�

Raph, who鈥檚 now in his 40s, was seeing a guy when he was back in his 20s, and the relationship became violent.

鈥淚t started with a fight we had, and he picked me up and threw me down a hallway, into a doorframe, and it broke bones in my back… he was a really strong man,鈥� Raph recalled.

鈥淚 can鈥檛 remember now from that time where it just got out of hand. It started again probably a month or two after that. We got another place in Sydney… I think it was maybe a handful of times that he hit me, that I thought, fuck this, I鈥檓 going to fight back now.

鈥淭hat became our relationship. Everything ended up in a punch-up.鈥�

Before working with the group, Raph hadn鈥檛 really considered how his anger and history of violence might be connected to his sexuality 鈥� he had always thought of himself as a self-assured gay man. Now he thinks if he hadn鈥檛 done the course, his issues with anger might have led to him hurting someone.

鈥淏eforehand I was like, I really don鈥檛 have a problem with myself… probably every day of my life is affected by that, the bad stuff growing up,鈥� he said.

鈥淚t鈥檚 a lot easier for younger guys. But I had it a lot easier than guys who were a lot older than me. It gets easier and easier, but I mean, I鈥檝e never talked about being gay with my father in my life.鈥�

VAC counsellor Anthony Lekkas runs the Revisioning program for same-sex attracted men struggling with issues around violence. The template for the group has come from mainstream services dealing largely with violence against women, but Lekkas believes adapting men鈥檚 behaviour change programs to specifically cater to the gay community is vital 鈥� it isn鈥檛 just the wider community that doesn鈥檛 take this violence seriously.

鈥淚 think that there are a lot of myths around what being in a gay relationship looks like,鈥� he said.

鈥淏ecause the dominant narrative around family violence is that this happens to women by heterosexual men, there are definitely some people I work with as well that, they wouldn鈥檛 identify themselves as perpetrators or even victims, because this is not something that happens in the gay community. This is a straight issue.鈥�

A lack of understanding from within the gay community about how violence operates in same-sex relationships 鈥� or even an acknowledgement that is happens at all 鈥� is a challenging barrier to overcome. Much of the work Lekkas does with the men in the group is to examine what patterns of violence can look like in heterosexual relationships, and ask whether that fits for two men.

鈥淪ome clients have talked about 鈥� and this is because of the dominant narrative around family violence 鈥� they鈥檝e concluded that this is just the way things are in a relationship with another man, between two guys, it鈥檚 like a mutual fight,鈥� he explained.

鈥淓ven though one person got more hurt than the other, it鈥檚 still a fight between two blokes.

鈥淚n fact this current group that we have here, there was a consensus from the men that violence against women was worse than violence against men in intimate relationships.鈥�

Lekkas agreed with ACON鈥檚 assessment that mainstream domestic and family violence services need to be made more inclusive 鈥� he said a fear of not being taken seriously stops many men from coming forward to receive help around violence in same-sex relationships, from the police and from services. However, he argued that work had to go hand-in-hand with the establishment of services within the community. Both approaches are important.

鈥淚 think it does add a layer of safety for them to come and be respected, and feel that they don鈥檛 have to worry about assessing the service for indications that it鈥檚 okay to disclose their sexual orientation,鈥� Lekkas said.

鈥淚 mean, who wants to go through all that work when you have to discuss something as difficult as family violence?鈥�

LGBTI communities may have a long way to go to understand how they are affected by domestic and family violence, but Lekkas argued that for many they are important symbolic spaces of safety and understanding.

But at a time when all domestic and family violence services are shouting for the money they desperately need to survive and address the extraordinary scope of this violence in Australia, Lekkas acknowledged that it may be a while before things change to the extent that they need to.

A year since he鈥檇 found the strength to get away from his partner, to get out of the relationship, Jeff wondered whether, if he weren鈥檛 a gay man, he might have been taken more seriously, or he might have found the support he needed to leave sooner.

鈥淚 would have called the police at least a dozen times in that relationship, and the police attended every single time, and it didn鈥檛 matter whether I had blood, scratches, whatever on me and he had nothing on him, nothing was ever done,鈥� he said.

鈥淚 know it sounds so clich茅 and so stupid, but you kind of expect you鈥檙e the only person going through this, and you don鈥檛 want to talk about it to everyone because you don鈥檛 want to be embarrassed.

鈥淵ou don鈥檛 want people to think less of you and that you鈥檙e weak because this is happening to you.鈥�

NOTE: Some names have been changed for this story.

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For details on ACON鈥檚 Another Closet, visit .

To find out more about VAC鈥檚 Revisioning program, visit .

Help is also available by calling Lifeline on 13 11 14 or QLife on 1800 184 527, or by visiting or .

However, if you are in a situation that requires emergency help, call 000聽for police.

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**This was first published in the July edition of the 17c起草社区, which is . To obtain a physical copy, to find out where you can grab one in Melbourne, Sydney, Brisbane, Adelaide, Canberra and select regional/coastal areas.