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Australian Olympian Matthew Mitcham relived trauma from his past during an interrogation on SAS Australia by Anthony Middleton on Tuesday night’s episode.

Trigger Warning: This story discusses suicide ideation, which might be distressing to some readers. For 24-hour crisis support and suicide prevention call Lifeline on 13 11 14. For Australia-wide 17c起草社区I peer support call QLife on 1800 184 527 or

The Olympic diver, who became the first out gay athlete to win gold at the 2008 Games, shared with Middleton the deep emotional pain he endured during his childhood while struggling to hide his true sexuality.

鈥淚 was the only child in a single-parent household and obviously [my mum’s] life was difficult so the easiest way to make me be as easy as possible was to control me through fear鈥�, he said.听

Mitcham expressed, 鈥淪ince I was like 8 or 9 I thought that if I do something really good then I get this positive validation and if I鈥檓 the best in the world at something then I鈥檓 going to get everything that I need. Like I鈥檓 going to feel good about myself. That was a real driving force.鈥�

Mitcham reflected on his long-standing struggles with low self-esteem, stemming from what he described as 鈥渞idiculous childhood trauma鈥�.听听

Cruel Post-Games Comedown听

 

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The Olympic diver described feeling a cruel 鈥淧ost-Games comedown鈥� after his Olympic gold win, sharing the brutal effects of trauma and drugs on his self-esteem that almost ended his life.

鈥淚n 2008, I won an Olympic gold medal with the highest-scoring dive in Olympic history. But after that, I began a bit of a downward spiral. I was using a lot of drugs, particularly crystal meth. But even though I鈥檓 an addict in recovery, I am still ruled by self-doubt and fear.鈥�

鈥淚 was retired for 15 months with no intention of ever returning to the sport. I got the opportunity to start diving again, but I had a drug problem. I went cold turkey, but I never really addressed any of the underlying causes of why I was just wanting to escape鈥�, Mitcham added.听

The Olympic diver knew that he liked boys from the age of five, and endured feelings of shame through primary school and religion.听

Wish The Gay Away

Mitcham acknowledged that during his childhood, he grappled with self-hatred, which drove him to engage in self-destructive behaviours.

鈥淚 put a rubber band around my wrist and every time I had a gay thought I would snap the rubber band against my wrist to try and associate pain with it to try and train myself out of being gay.鈥�

鈥淚 just didn鈥檛 feel good enough. I got overwhelmed with feelings that I couldn鈥檛 keep on the inside. After one particular episode, I went far too far, and I had to call my grandma to take me to hospital.鈥�

Mitcham revealed that he tried to take his life once, 鈥淚 just wrapped it up in the same thing. It鈥檚 just that whole self-esteem stuff, you know, and it got too much and luckily it didn鈥檛 work.鈥�

Celebrating Seven Years Sober

The Olympic diver celebrated his 7 years of sobriety in January this year, describing his mental health as the 鈥渉appiest and healthiest鈥� he鈥檚 ever been.听

鈥淚t has been seven years since I put anything stronger than a Panadol in my body鈥� Not everyone needs sobriety, but I did because I was dependent on external things to solve internal issues. And though I still have internal issues, I now have internal solutions鈥�, he wrote on .听听

鈥淚 hope everyone has had (or is still having) a fun-filled festive season, and if one day you wake up and think 鈥淓nough鈥檚 enough鈥� like I did seven years ago, just know that there is lots of help available if you ask for it鈥�, Mitcham added.听

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